Masterminx

Poetry was the original Spanish Fly, I think. Who can resist it?

I wrote this poem for Wes (the bf, isn't he beautiful?)--or, more to the point, because of him. I gave him a copy yesterday afternoon. He said he wanted to cry, then that he wanted to frame it. It was very sweet.

According to the stats, I had quite a few readers yesterday. I know some of them came from wise-up's journal, where my poem was quoted. I am so flattered by that, I don't know what to say. It's a vague sort of notoriety. I noticed that she is also a fan of thinsquid--one of my favorite journals. (Good taste.) Thanks.

I'm sure I will have more to say, later, as the coffee begins to saturate my cells. For now, I will part with this thought:

I pride myself on my uniqueness, but I am thrilled to find people like me in the world. Isn't that a contradiction?

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Posted by masterminx at 8:54 AM | Permalink |

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Collapsed in the sagging center
Of a mattress clad in crumpled sheets,
His lean arm encircles me.
To my lidded eyes it appears
As a band of golden warmth.
He praises my beauty
With gentle fingertips
Seeks the sight of my cheek and brow
With steady eyes
Tastes of my skin.
My wandering palms
Find rest atop his head
And use the sandpaper there
To smooth the edges
Of my battered heart.
What I feel is not joy,
What I feel is not love,
For such small words could not contain
The swell in my spirit.
Having spent my life as ?Orange,?
I can?t believe how well
He rhymes with me.

3/27/2003

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Posted by masterminx at 9:31 AM | Permalink |

Am I being over-sensitive, or is this guy a total prick in nice guy's clothing?

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Masterminx: hi hello heya
MattW: yo, word, sup
Masterminx: ummm....you're white...?
Masterminx: lol
MattW: yeah yo, don't step unless you wnat to get smacked yo
MattW:
Masterminx: nice try
MattW: best step off fool...for you hurt yo-self
MattW:
MattW: I like this...lets do it some more....LOL
Masterminx: word, G
MattW: *grabs crotch* whut up homey?
Masterminx: nada, G. Just chillin'...workin' for the man. Checking my skills in the hizzy, peeping bad movie physics.
MattW: know the flow kid, just keep your peeps on the six and keep it on the donw low yo
Masterminx: s'all cool, homey.
MattW: word
MattW: now i feel blac
MattW: we need to stop before my IQ drops as well
MattW: LOL
Masterminx: what are you implying, Matthew?
MattW: ebonics is shown to be used by those of lesser intellegence. I feel dumb using it
Masterminx: funny, because it sounded a lot like you just said black people are of lesser intelligence.
MattW: no, because all people who haven't gotten out of high school use it the most.
MattW: according to a study done by Harvard
Masterminx: hmm. I'm not sure I'm buying your non-racist, intellectually justified copout. Perhaps because it is supported by a study done at a largely Caucasian institution.
MattW: well there is also a study that has been running here at North Carolina State University that traced the origins of ebonic to the inner cities
Masterminx: traced the origins? What are you, a simpleton? We know ebonics originated in urban areas.
MattW: they are even able to listen to a person's speach and tell them where they grew up, what grade they were last in and
MattW: well they can trace it to any part of the united states
MattW: let me see if I can find the article
Masterminx: Not interested, thanks.
Masterminx: I'll be back. I have to go smoke.
MattW: ok
Masterminx: ok, White Devil...I'm back.
MattW: LOL...just because I have support for my claim doesn't mean anything...LOL
MattW:
Masterminx: mhmmm...I could provide you with some certified documentation that says Jews are animals and hereditarily inferior, as well.
MattW: yeah, read that report
Masterminx: I suppose you have it in your library...
MattW: read the bell curve...that is another enlightning book as well
MattW: at ECU?
MattW: yeah
Masterminx: I meant the Matt Wiberg-Klanamerican Library in your home. boob.
MattW: no...but I have the Bell Curve...
MattW: http://www.theeastcarolinian.com/vnews/display.v/ART/2002/11/14/3dd3f16888e24?in_archive=1
Masterminx: Very nice. You know, sometimes people who **seem** to be smart can be really dense.
MattW: well, there are a lot of studies out there...and most of them supported by state funded universities...and after working with speach therapists and vocal coaches, I can see and understand the points brought up by many of these studies
MattW: and i am not dense...I have read and studied many many many dialects....ebonics is just one of many
MattW: look into the cockney dialect...it is said to be the urban form of british
Masterminx: I didn't say you were uneducated or inexperienced. I said you were dense.
Masterminx: Dense, because you miss the point.
MattW: what point?
Masterminx: The point is not that the speech habits of urban areas are largely attributed to poor people who are undereducated. The fact is that some of these people that you disparage may have astounding IQs.
Masterminx: The intelligence quotient is a measure of one's ability to assimilate information, not just the amount of information that has been acquired.
MattW: AH..IQ is directly attributted to the level of education one has and is willing to acheive
Masterminx: Willing to achieve? You think people in the urban centers of this country choose not to learn?
MattW: yup...unwilling and unmotivated
Masterminx: When did you become the champion of white privilege?
MattW: that is why we have such a problem with welfare and other social services
Masterminx: I see.
Masterminx: Thank you for making it easy for me to cease speaking to you ever, ever again.
MattW: there are many many many people other than whites who have achieved greatness..martin luther king, Judge Thomas, William Amos and milllions of others....
Masterminx: Yet you lump them all together.
MattW: I am not saying it is just black people...look at the white people as well..there are multitudes of every race
Masterminx: I was raised on welfare.
MattW: I said inner city people unwilling and unmotivated to change something in their lives to make it better..
Masterminx: I don't feel that I should be beholden to others.
Masterminx: It was not that I was unwilling to do something about it.
MattW: hell I used to live in a cardboard box...I was homeless for 6 months...I have to work and struggle to get out of it...I did it..why can't anyone else?
Masterminx: People don't look at your pudgy little white face and assume you are another welfare leech.
Masterminx: You seem to miss the point, again.
MattW: what point then?
Masterminx: It is wrong to assume that a statistic is an accurate portrayal of the spirit and soul of people.
MattW: but I don't assume..I interact with both sides of the coin everyday I am at work
Masterminx: again, missing the point.
Masterminx: you live in one place...you have a limited scope of view, and you should never generalize people like that.
MattW: those who live in the inner cities expect a hand out while those living inn other parts of the city expect to have to work for something
MattW: I have a very wide scope...I deal with every aspect of society at work
Masterminx: You don't. But you think you do, and that's why you are dense.
MattW: how do you know what i do and don't do?
MattW: Have you worked in an inner city hospital?
MattW: do you work on an ambulance?
Masterminx: You live in one part of the country...
Masterminx: You don't know everything.
MattW: have you tried to go into the schools around your town and teach kids about fire safety?
MattW: about CPR
Masterminx: Again, you have a small-minded view.
MattW: I have lived in LA, San Antonio, Denver, Atlanta, Raliegh, New York
Masterminx: and everywhere you went, there you were.
MattW: yes I have a view and it comes from experience dealing with many people
Masterminx: You will never justify what you said to piss me off in the first place. What do you care, anyway?
MattW: because I am in a 28% tax bracket and the lack of vision and motivation of many cause those of us who work, work even harder
Masterminx: Jesus...another Republican.
MattW: Nope....libertarian
MattW: government sucks.....
MattW: nothing useful has come from them since FDR got into office
MattW: and now that the US government is doing what it is supposed to do *defend the country* people are pissed
MattW: personal opinion of course
Masterminx: don't even get me started on that, White Republican Upper Class Devil
MattW: hummm..another one who has forgotten the past 20 years
Masterminx: I haven't forgotten it. I lived here, remember?
MattW: ok...explain Sep 11, world trade center bombing, okla city, us embassy bombings, pan am flight, missile strike of USS stark???
Masterminx: gee, oklahoma city was an act of domestic terrorism against our government
MattW: supported by who?
Masterminx: who cares? Let's talk about how we started the conflict in Vietnam because we were trying to control foreign governments for our benefit...a policy we are still perpetuating worldwide and making enemies every day.
MattW: ah, we didn't start it, we took over for the french
MattW:
Masterminx: No, we started it.
Masterminx: We deposed the leader and replaced him with a guy we thought would play by our rules.
MattW: No we didn't
Masterminx: Yes, we did.
MattW: The French were there to assist in keeping communist ties from intervening into the country
Masterminx: And when he didn't play by our rules, we told the other side to feel free to take him out, starting a revolution.
MattW: you need to look into it agian
Masterminx: I think you do.
Masterminx: I don't buy into that whole "the best defense is a good offense" crap.
MattW: we started korea because a plae that came from the South Koreans...Veitnam was started by the French
MattW: you need to study military tactics then
Masterminx: Fine, whatever. I don't think you are any less pig-headed.
MattW: the more ammo you send down range the more off set your enemy is and the more time you have to place troops for a quick decisive victory
Masterminx: That's nice. You live in a plastic army man set. Good for you. I guess you don't mind people dying for stupid reasons.
MattW: pig-headed or not I believe what I believe and have read enough and studied enough to know why I believe what i believe
MattW: nothing stupid came from defending our country
MattW: and if you think it is stupid, then the american revolution should have never happened in your opinion
Masterminx: People matter. Tactics and statistics don't. That's how I feel. Say whatever you want about me.
Masterminx: I don't care anymore.
MattW: People do matter....but so does the safety of those people
MattW: could you sleep at night thinking you might get shot in the middle of the night?
Masterminx: Yes
Masterminx: I have
MattW: so even though there is the threat of a bullet coming in through your window, you could sleep comfortably?
Masterminx: I've done it.
Masterminx: Look, you don't know me. You don't understand how I view life or death.
MattW: ok....
MattW: ..and you don't know what I have seen or what i have done to feel the way I do.
MattW: we have differing opinions
Masterminx: I know that it is wrong to group a whole race of people into a category and call them stupid.
MattW: neither of us is 100% right or wrong
Masterminx: Opinion is not a factor, there.
MattW: that is why politics is so stupid and moronic..because people can't agree
Masterminx: it's not about politics.
MattW: when was that?
Masterminx: at the beginning of the goddamned conversation.
MattW: ok, I don't think anyone here has started cussing...so please
MattW: then what has this whole thing been about?
Masterminx: I believe you have a scroll bar.
MattW: all I have is a discussion on wars
Masterminx: I'm getting a headache, talking to you. We clearly disagree on racism and murder.
MattW: then you think Sept 11 is NOT murder...
MattW: well this has been fun....
Masterminx: I don't think Sep 11 is the only murder.
Masterminx: I don't think revenge is a good reason to start a war that can kill us all, either.
Masterminx: You may say I am impractical, or uneducated, or not as smart as you are, but I think all life has a right to be on this planet. I don't think it fair that any one group of people take steps to change that.
Masterminx: I am sorry that you think otherwise, and that you think I am wrong for thinking so.
Masterminx: For the record, I don't think that all poor people choose to be poor, nor do all uneducated people choose to be uneducated. People live within their own cultural circumstance, and the restrictions they are taught that go with it.
Masterminx: The difference between us is that I have overcome adversity without judging the people who have not.

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Posted by masterminx at 1:45 PM | Permalink |

Damned after-effects. I have hit an emotional slump, but it's only a dip--not a plunge. My mood has sort of sagged for the last couple of days. I even cried a few pitiful tears.

Lame. I hate being like this. If I can't find anything wrong, I use my superpowers to project myself into some twisted future where everything falls apart. I create turmoil by assuming that something is going to suck pretty bad, eventually.

The bf is very good at dealing with depression. He knows how to talk me down to a comforted place when I start worrying myself into unnecessary heartbreak. He is solidly in love with me, I suppose. He certainly makes me feel better when I get like this.

I said a few things implying that he spent too much time pining for his ex-fiance. I suggested that he would go back to her, if he had a chance, since she dumped him. It was the depression talking. He just pulled away from me, and said, "I love you, but what you just said really hurt my feelings." No anger, just honesty. He explained how wrong I was to say that stuff without anger or accusation. I felt like a total dick, after that. I knew I was being lame. I hate being depressed. All in all, he handled it very well. That is a rare thing.

We had a simple disagreement over the fact that he tried to give me his debit card so I could get gas or whatever I need. I refused to accept it, but he insisted on stuffing it into my purse. I relented, determined to just leave it there. I'm pretty sure he realized that, because this morning the card was gone--replaced by a $20 bill. The little shit! I cannot recall a time in the past when I was annoyed by someone sneaking money into my purse. He's a rarity.

Let us not forget the really great sex.

I was listening to System of a Down on the way to work this morning, which made me think of my former friend, **DB**. I screwed that up pretty good. The bf and I are a lot like **DB** and I were. We have a lot of jokes and inside bits that we share, and we mostly just entertain each other with our humor. The difference is that this guy reciprocates.

We should be moving in together shortly. We're going to check out some apartments this weekend. Woohoo.

**Shout-outs**:
**Cj** I hope you are well.
**TS**: I can't believe how happy you are! Good for you, man.

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Posted by masterminx at 8:15 AM | Permalink |

I accomplished very little, but managed to make discoveries in erratic spurts this weekend. I accomplished a few things in the same manner. Mostly, I just slept and ate and screwed like a happy little monkey.

The bf and I went over to **CB**'s place on Friday night. I haven't had a chance to talk to her and hear her opinion of the whole encounter yet. I am somewhat looking forward to it. The bf sort of choked when she asked him what attracted him to me, which I found odd because he always tells me that kind of stuff freely. We watched Sleepy Hollow and ate pizza. It was pretty cool, all in all.

Saturday was a bit hazy. We had the wake-and-bake experience as conveyed through ceramic Yoda's head. The bf made an awesome breakfast pizza, then we slept until sundown. We ventured out to the mall, and to dinner. He bought us each a Buddy Christ figurine--so cool, it will be adorning my dashboard soon. We got some 'mood lighting' in the form of a lava lamp and one of those little lightning globe things. Here's a little tip that my stoned fucking ass learned the hard way: those little lightning globe things will shock the fuck out of you if you put your finger on there when it's at full blast. I could quite figure out why I felt a burning sensation in my index finger when I first touched it, so I put it on there again and left it for a bit. Fucking ouch! We laughed our asses off, but then he turned it off for safety's sake. Jesus! That hurt.

I also learned that Eddie Izzard is a transvestite, which means he prefers women, as well as their clothing. He's quite brilliant, really. Intelligent humor delivered by a man in patent leather pants, heels, and full makeup is so entertaining.

WalMart doesn't have a DVD copy of The Ninth Gate in their DVD section. Neither do they have an alphabet there. At least, not in the WalMart near my home. They do have a nice selection of cheap satin underwear, so I can't complain too much.

Women my size dwell in the netherland between plus sizes and large misses size. I hate shopping for clothes.

Back to the no-network-work tomorrow.

bah.
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Posted by masterminx at 7:12 PM | Permalink |

I saw Carlos today. He seemed fairly pleased with the progress I have made. He actually shook my hand.

"Really fucking great," is what he actually said when I told him that I figured out that I have a lot more to offer in a relationship than just sex. If what I've been told is true, then that really says a lot. I suppose this is a momentous discovery, but it came upon me so gradually, I didn't really notice.

My relationship with the bf is going well. We are both thunderstruck. Lovestruck, really. I have such a great time with him, and he doesn't annoy me at all. Carlos says I need to just enjoy the ride and quit waiting for something awful to happen. He says we are taking the logical next step by moving in together, and it sounds like things will go well if we remain honest with each other. As long as I treat the bf the way that I would like to be treated, he should reciprocate. Carlos was very pleased with the idea that I had chosen to be in a relationship with someone who respects me.

God, am I that fucked up?

I got sick of trying to grow out my hair and got all the shit cut off yesterday. Fuckit. I hated messing with all that unruly mop, anyway. I'm back to clipped and spiked, like before. Unfortunately, 80% of my hair is my natural color. I don't know if I want to dye it again, or leave it alone for a while. Everyone is used to me being a redhead, so I will probably have to dye it. It sure feels way better like this.

Well, I am finally dozing off. I need to curl up in a ball and cuddle with a warm man.

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Posted by masterminx at 4:20 PM | Permalink |

I finally found a pair of shoes to replace my old favorite pair of beat-to-hell Vans. New Vans. In the words of my bf, Rock Ass!

I decided to come clean with my boy in NC. The bf asked me to marry him this weekend, and I replied "Absolutely!" When I told Mr. NC about the proposal, he congratulated me. He was very gracious, saying that he would have been really interested in seeing where things would go with us, but someone beat him to the punch and he just wants me to be happy. I was a little heartbroken, myself. He's a great guy--just so far away. I am supposed to call him in a half hour or so. He still calls me 'hun'.

It's been raining for two days, and continues to pour, feeding icy little rivers on the sidewalks and drippy gutters everywhere. It is for sucks, as they say in the Czech Republic.

Going shopping tonight. Doing the whole domesticated thing with the bf. It should be fun. Hell, everything we do is fun--even sitting around doing nothing. It's creepy. I never expected to like the guy, and after three weeks we're making plans to live together. It can't be candyland forever, but it's pretty sweet right now.

I understand my pal **TS** has stumbled into some good fortune in relationshipland. I am happy for the guy. I was beginning to worry about losing him in some sort of tabloid hedonistic fog forever. He needs happiness in a way that most people never understand. I don't know if he would agree with that, but I am sure he will argue with me about it--which I love. My soul has taken on the shape of many a gentleman's dream in the last year, and it always retains a little corner or curve of the one before. The impression left by **TS** was a pleasant one, and I wish the best for him.

I guess I'll have to get up that way and visit sometime.

Ain't love grand?

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Posted by masterminx at 4:18 PM | Permalink |

Checking in from the bf's apartment. He's out gaming for the next four hours or so, and left his very cool computer in my care. God bless high-speed internet and all.

It's pretty dark in this apartment, situated just below the ground level and slightly recessed from the nearest sidewalk. You might call it secluded, perhaps. Secluded from the sun and fresh air. I don't guess it's his fault his ex kept all the lamps, but, damn! I feel like an evil mastermind hunched in front of these monitors in the dark. (Yes, that is plural, connected, one above the other. Not exactly sure how, but it makes it tricky to find your mouse pointer sometimes.)

He left two hours ago, and I spent the last two hours cleaning. Yeah, you can tell a guy lives here. Even after thoroughly vacuuming, the carpet possesses a slight greasy feel. I suspect that is used to be the standard apartment shade of light beige, but it's more taupe, now, interspersed with black stains here and there. Rather vile. I dusted off the tables and tried to artistically rearrange the remains of the broken marble coffee table. It still looks...broken.

I attacked the kitchen next. The walls and switchplates were filthy, as well as the refrigerator door, the counters, the stove, and the sinks. Note: past-tense. I put all of the dishes in the dishwasher and ran it. The floor needs a vicious mopping, but I sure as hell am not doing it. I don't even mop my floor.

I still have to cook myself some breakfast/lunch. I wanted to rest a bit and check in here before I get wrapped up in all of that mess. I'm just sort of smoking and listening to his huge collection of mp3's, having fun using this wacked-out ergonomic keyboard. Sadly, just about every third mp3 in his drive is some sort of novelty song. I don't really mind that, but I think you have to be in the mood to listen to Weird Al or Wesley Willis. Well...I'm always in the mood for Wesley Willis. Disassociative disorders are a treat.

He's still been very well behaved. I think he made some sort of conscious decision to stop drinking entirely. I have made it clear that I don't require complete abstinence from him. I just wanted a little moderation. He knows what he can and can't really do, though. I never said I was going to stop drinking, so, fuckit. He's not even going out for the big green beer holiday. He wants to just hang out with me.

So, I guess I'm not going out drinking, either. shrug

Here's the situation at hand: I decided not to buy a puppy because I don't think I can afford the extra rent and deposits for having a puppy in an apartment. Also, my lease is up at the end of April or May. The way things stand, I am not renewing my lease. I am moving in with the bf. We are going to attempt to find another apartment to live in together, since his property managers allow you to transfer your lease from one property to another of theirs with no real static.

I am thrilled with the idea of having 24-7 access to the bf, consolidating our efforts in financial matters, etc. There are always benefits to living as a pair, rather than as a solo act. He is still incredibly great to be around, despite his flaw. I'm not even getting static from **CB** on this one, anymore. So, good.

But, I am resisting the process on an underlying level. I like my apartment, I like my pets, I even like some of my pointless routine. I dig my neighborhood. I'm still chatting with my friend in NC--he still says he loves me. I wish he had a little more conviction about me. I even would have liked to explore things with my friend, **Cj**, maybe.

I have no patience for working on stuff that doesn't pan out immediately. I hope I'm not selling myself short or something. You know that whole 'grass is always greener' thing. I don't know.

The new apartment thing might not even work out. I mean, my credit is total shit. The property management could totally balk at the idea of me moving in. I know he has no objections, but we could still run into some resistance. Maybe I'll be renewing my lease, after all.

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Posted by masterminx at 2:16 PM | Permalink |

I had to cut the journal entry short yesterday. I was being prodded to leave.

So, he got stupid. That ran the gamut for about two hours from apologies to threats, with lots of incoherent rambling in between. He just drooled and babbled, and that was only mildly disheartening.

Drunk people do that. Of course, I don't know many people who get that drunk on a Tuesday night for no apparent reason.

It was ugly. He kept referring to himself in the third person. He called me a bitch, and reached back to slap me--very slowly--when I told him he needed help. I told him he would be breathing his last breath if he even touched me. He reverted back to repeatedly ordering me to 'beat the piss out of him'.

I don't hit people.

I don't know if I am being too judgmental, or too lenient. I know people can change, but I don't know if they will. I am haunted by the ghost of my father, stumbling in at all hours of the morning with a bloody nose from some barfight, rousting the house and beating up his wife. He has changed, but who can wait that long? It took him reaching his late 50s and taking Welbutrin. I know my boyfriend is not my father. I'm just trying to figure out how different he really is.

We're still discussing living together.

I found out yesterday that **JE** has developed a tumor in his frontal lobe. I guess the mass in his lung was made nearly nonexistant with the chemo, only to find it has spread to his brain. Not a big surprise. They are planning to perform surgery to remove it. What cheerful news, huh?

I have found an unlikely friend that I would like to acknowledge, here. He is someone that I was instantly attracted to, but I think our timing is bad for that sort of thing. He reads my journal and my web page. He is a sweetheart.

Thanks, **Cj**.

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Posted by masterminx at 6:50 AM | Permalink |

from my own stupidity. I didn't want to discuss all this, but it's eating me up because I should know better. I know better. Some guys do change, but most never do.

I have stumbled into one of those lightning-strike relationships, where everything is beyond perfect. Everything clicks like magic, and the compatability is off the charts. We talked about living together, and mentioned the potential for marriage. I met his friends and family--all great people who really like him and look out for him. They all seemed to like me well enough. Good peeps, if you will. Everything was just so wonderful.

Here's where all the past-tense comes in. The guy doesn't know when to stop drinking. He just drinks and drinks and drinks, then acts stupid. He talked a bunch of shit, destroyed his marble coffee table, and puked all over himself.

So when do I make my exit?

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Posted by masterminx at 5:00 PM | Permalink |

I haven't been home a lot lately, but I thought I would check in with a simple missive for those of you who are wondering where I am.

I am here. Here, being my boyfriend's apartment. I am here all the time. I feel like I have joined a cult sometimes, because sleeping seems to be something of a lost art, these days. I did manage to catch a power nap yesterday on the way to work, as I ran a red light at 55 mph in a 40 mph zone. God smiles upon us fools, apparently.

Things are moving on constantly, as with all of the universe. Time waits for no man, or woman, despite my repeated entreaties that it pause for me. I am reaching terminal velocity quickly, though, approaching the big 3-0 with a sort of blind impetus that I can't direct. I think about it more frequently now--probably because of the huge difference in age of those I associate with. Maybe I am just beginning to learn how uncool I have become.

Naw, can't be that.

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Posted by masterminx at 9:44 PM | Permalink |

It is a new day, and so, accordingly, I am taking stock of the new love affair in my life. I stated my requirements quite clearly here in case you need a recap. I'll apply the checklist to my little chicken, now.

· Understanding yes
· Depth yes
· Intelligence yes
· I want to be accepted just as I am. No changes, no adjustments. yes
· I want someone who gets my jokes, and likes my movies and music. yes!
· Someone who would never hurt me—couldn’t even conceive of it. don't know
· Someone who derives happiness from being with me. yes
· An equal, a friend, as well as a lover. yes
· Someone who is at least as intellectual as I am. not sure
· Wisdom. yes
· Someone who doesn’t hold my past against me or use it as ammunition in an argument. not sure
· Someone who understands that things I have done are not necessarily things I will do. not sure
· Compassion and empathy, not pity and patronization. yes
· Respect yes
· Admiration yes
· Reliability yes

Not bad for two weeks, huh?

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Posted by masterminx at 1:35 PM | Permalink |

I spent about 5 hours by myself yesterday, and was disturbed by how much I noticed the dragging progress of time. I have been engaged in some sort of social interaction constantly for the last week. I felt myself slipping into a panicky sort of loneliness, toward the end.

Not good. I'm sure that some of the gloom was due to the fact that **EW** showed a frightening turn of temper and yelled at me for about ten minutes straight. It was very, very ugly--very "yank off the band-aid". He's gone.

Not that I miss him, because I don't. The only reason he was still hanging around was for the familiarity in bed. Now that I won't do that, there's no point. He was stroking it while we talked on the phone, though. I can't do much about that. I told him that he was soooo replaced about three guys ago. It's true.

That whole ordeal depressed the hell out of me. I had to wait another hour or two before my little chicken got home. He let me know he was on his way, and I flew to meet him there. I told him what happened, and he seemed kind of bummed out. I thought something was bothering him, and I suspected it was the fact that I was still speaking to Eric. I told him that I wouldn't be doing it anymore--ever again. He said, "It's not my business, you can talk to whoever you want to talk to." But, I told him it is his business, and I'm not talking to him anymore. I don't want him feeling threatened or bummed out. It was awkward in the moment, but then the moment was passed.

This weekend, I have to house-sit for a friend. I can do whatever I want for most of the time, but I will be sleeping over at their house. The rule is that no one goes in but me, so I will be sleeping alone for the first time in about two weeks (by then). I have to check in on the house periodically, throughout the day, as well. This might suck a lot if I don't improve my frame of mind by then.

Hell, it's just two days. Just two days...hell.

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Posted by masterminx at 1:31 PM | Permalink |

I don't kid myself. I could not handle dating a guy like this guy. But, I wanted to be nice. How sad...

masterminx (7:07:52 PM): hi
gary_thornton_20022000 (7:08:07 PM): were you busy
masterminx (7:08:30 PM): Nope. Just sitting here, killing time.
gary_thornton_20022000 (7:08:59 PM): im gary if you didn't guess that already..lol
masterminx (7:09:17 PM): Yeah...I got that impression.
gary_thornton_20022000 (7:09:36 PM): so are you going out or what?
masterminx (7:10:02 PM): tonight?
masterminx (7:10:04 PM): yep.
gary_thornton_20022000 (7:10:06 PM): yes
gary_thornton_20022000 (7:10:13 PM): whatcha gonna do
masterminx (7:10:57 PM): My boyfriend's making me dinner. I think we'll probably watch a movie, too.
gary_thornton_20022000 (7:11:11 PM): oh ok
gary_thornton_20022000 (7:16:08 PM): when did you meet him
masterminx (7:16:36 PM): I met him.....about a week ago? I think it has been a week.
gary_thornton_20022000 (7:17:06 PM): and it already is at the boyfriend stage?
masterminx (7:18:02 PM): He said he loved me the second night we were together. He asked me if I would be his girlfriend. I said, sure.
gary_thornton_20022000 (7:18:30 PM): awww thats kinda cute
masterminx (7:19:12 PM): I suppose.
gary_thornton_20022000 (7:19:32 PM): you dont sound too excited..lol
masterminx (7:20:10 PM): I adore him. I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop...on my head.
gary_thornton_20022000 (7:20:31 PM): u sound like ur expecting it..lol
masterminx (7:20:54 PM): sound like, nothing. I do expect it. Nothing can be this perfect.
gary_thornton_20022000 (7:21:30 PM): maybe it is perfect....anything is possible i believe
masterminx (7:22:05 PM): I'm more cynical when it comes to relationships.
gary_thornton_20022000 (7:22:14 PM): me too anymore
gary_thornton_20022000 (7:22:37 PM): im disabled and been hurt alot
masterminx (7:23:42 PM): I hear you. I have let myself get hurt too many times. I'm just too willing to open that door,sometimes. Not this time.
gary_thornton_20022000 (7:24:25 PM): I open my heart to a woman thinking..she really cares...and then i realize she's playing with my heart
masterminx (7:25:05 PM): men do it, too. believe me.
gary_thornton_20022000 (7:25:18 PM): oh i know
gary_thornton_20022000 (7:25:37 PM): i do whatever i can to keep a lady happy
gary_thornton_20022000 (7:26:14 PM): ive actually been dumped for being too good to a woman
masterminx (7:26:26 PM): the obvious problem with that is that you can't make anyone happy.
gary_thornton_20022000 (7:27:16 PM): yeah i know...but i can sure try
gary_thornton_20022000 (7:28:23 PM): well i dont wanna keep you ok
gary_thornton_20022000 (7:28:39 PM): maybe we can chat another time
gary_thornton_20022000 (7:30:03 PM): if you want to anyway
masterminx (7:30:32 PM): ok
gary_thornton_20022000 (7:30:56 PM): if it dont work out with him...Im available...lol
masterminx (7:31:11 PM): thanks. that's sweet
gary_thornton_20022000 (7:31:24 PM): if you could date a disabled man
masterminx (7:31:41 PM): why not/
gary_thornton_20022000 (7:32:23 PM): believe me, some women wont even consider it...they think they'll catch something
masterminx (7:32:42 PM): lol...that is wrong
gary_thornton_20022000 (7:32:58 PM): tell me about it
gary_thornton_20022000 (7:33:27 PM): whats ur name
gary_thornton_20022000 (7:37:30 PM): well am I keeping you from ur boyfriend?
masterminx (7:37:42 PM): He's with some of his friends.
gary_thornton_20022000 (7:38:03 PM): woohoo then i still get some Rxxxxx time
masterminx (7:38:25 PM): yep..lol
gary_thornton_20022000 (7:38:45 PM): sorry i can flirt...forgive me
masterminx (7:39:20 PM): that was flirting? I missed it.
gary_thornton_20022000 (7:39:40 PM): oh it hasn't started yet..lol
gary_thornton_20022000 (7:39:58 PM): just a pre-warning...lol
masterminx (7:40:23 PM): noted
gary_thornton_20022000 (7:40:51 PM): so do you come on here often?
masterminx (7:40:59 PM): lol
masterminx (7:41:16 PM): allow me to analyze the grammar on that one...
masterminx (7:41:28 PM): I am often online, yes.
gary_thornton_20022000 (7:41:55 PM): ok ok I didnt even realize what i typed..lol
gary_thornton_20022000 (7:42:28 PM): ok....here's my big line are you ready...lol
masterminx (7:42:36 PM): go for it
gary_thornton_20022000 (7:43:11 PM): how about ur modem and my modem make a dial-up connection?
gary_thornton_20022000 (7:43:49 PM): i give you a headache??LOL
masterminx (7:44:09 PM): no, that was ...Oh, good grief!!
gary_thornton_20022000 (7:45:41 PM): so did that line earn me any Rxxxxx points?
masterminx (7:46:11 PM): negative Rxxxxx points, dude....
gary_thornton_20022000 (7:46:32 PM): aww man
gary_thornton_20022000 (7:46:45 PM): what do I gotta do
masterminx (7:47:32 PM): Explain Bernoulli's principle and one common application of it in real life.
gary_thornton_20022000 (7:47:58 PM): oh you're a feisty one aren't you..lol
gary_thornton_20022000 (7:48:27 PM): i dont even know what you said..lol
gary_thornton_20022000 (7:50:28 PM): how about if im just adorable me
masterminx (7:51:07 PM): well, that's fine, but it hampers your ability to get points. Rxxxxx likes the brainy ones.
gary_thornton_20022000 (7:51:50 PM): i can be brainy...just not all the time.
gary_thornton_20022000 (7:57:32 PM): ok try this one....
gary_thornton_20022000 (7:57:53 PM): whats a woman like you doing on a server like this..
masterminx (7:58:23 PM): cheesey
gary_thornton_20022000 (7:58:50 PM): aww man ur a tough one
masterminx (7:59:07 PM): does that line usually work?
gary_thornton_20022000 (7:59:16 PM): no ...lol
gary_thornton_20022000 (8:00:05 PM): but i thought for sure the first one you would like
masterminx (8:00:35 PM): wow. Sorry, I guess my sense of humor runs a bit darker than that.
gary_thornton_20022000 (8:01:07 PM): do..you find me cute though..lol
masterminx (8:01:24 PM): In a very limited way.
gary_thornton_20022000 (8:01:52 PM): well ok...i guess i should let you go
gary_thornton_20022000 (8:02:00 PM): have a good dinner ok
masterminx (8:02:08 PM): ok. thank you
gary_thornton_20022000 (8:02:31 PM): maybe i'll get smarter soon...lol
masterminx (8:02:46 PM): Don't take it personally. I'm super-picky.
gary_thornton_20022000 (8:02:54 PM): it's ok
gary_thornton_20022000 (8:03:16 PM): i understand.....im use to rejection anyway..lol
gary_thornton_20022000 (8:03:23 PM): goodbye
masterminx (8:03:28 PM): geeze....
masterminx (8:03:31 PM): bye

[

Posted by masterminx at 8:04 PM | Permalink |