Masterminx

That's how I've been feeling. I am appalled at some of the stuff going on with my body, lately. No one knows why, either. Two unpleasant ultrasounds and an exam, and all I get is birth control pills and an advisory to see my doctor when he gets back from vacation--in June.

Looks like I'll be getting that hysterectomy, after all. I don't know who I was fooling, thinking I was going to have kids. I don't know if I could have, anyway, with all the other complications involved: lithium, fibroids, poverty, hypertension...tricky business. The thing that really breaks my heart is that Wes is so young, and I think it is unfair for him to give up the possibility of having kids just because my junk is broken. He says he doesn't really care, but I'm afraid someday he's going to change his mind and feel like I cheated him out of something. That really bothers me.

We would have made beautiful babies.

I drove him to work this morning, and I felt terrible--physically, and emotionally. He looked like a holocaust survivor, all beaten down. He spent the whole day with me yesterday--even patting my foot for comfort during the most gruesome part--and he's been taking a barrage of hormonally-motivated emotional assault for weeks, now. Today, he looked like he couldn't handle much more. I felt really bad for being such a drag. I've been so depressed and in so much pain for the last month, I guess I didn't realize what a drain it was on him. He cares...a lot.

So, I swore I would get myself together and make myself look nice by this afternoon. Put on a smile, and shut the fuck up, more or less. I stopped at my place to take care of the birds, and packed up all my candles and most of my witchy shit. I put my bloodstone in my pocket, and threw everything in the back of the car.

By the time I got home, I was feeling beat. I wanted to go back to sleep, since my peaceful sleep was interrupted by a mess that forced me to sleep in the bathtub. I pushed on, fairly convinced that I was feeling better. I set up some of my stuff, fed my lizard, and took out the trash. On the way to the dumpster, I got buzzed by the hummingbird. This makes the third time. Shortly after that, a big orange butterfly circled me. There were grackles and finches singing in the trees. I love this place.

Carrying the trash winded me. I don't have quite the oxygen capacity that I did. I'm contemplating eating some liver or something. bleh.

Ok, I'm dozing...but, for the record, I am feeling much better.

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