Clean
It was a day of clearing, despite the rain. It was so good to feel the sun again, if only in my head, or heart.
It started with apprehension, and then tears. Lots of tears. I bore a grey spot on the lapel of my blue sweater all day where a teardrop full of makeup had splash-landed before I could swab it with a tissue. No decision that hard is the right one to make. Like Lancelot, I was fighting myself.
But I got through it, with the help of one of the first real friends I have made for a very long time. The freedom of honesty left me elated.
But there was one factor left in the equation: Wes. Wes had taken the brunt of my confusion, and suffered resentment based on a choice that I forced myself to make for no reason at all. I felt I had nowhere to turn, and so I turned inside myself and against the rest of the world, in a way.
What to do with the men in my life, whom I love, each in their own way?
Now I know. And so, with recently acquired clarity, I explained it to Wes so he would understand why his wife had recently gone insane.
I sat him down, and I explained it. Every relationship I have meets the stumbling block of my learned response. I expect trouble, for no apparent reason. And the question of how I am to behave becomes my greatest conflict. I assume I am expected to assume a subjugated role. A sexual factor creates conflict in me, because I don't want to lose a friend by refusing. I won't lose my husband by submitting. Suddenly, everyone is the enemy.
But, I explained to him that "my friend" would rather keep our friendship alive than to cross any healthy boundaries. I said "my friend" loves his wife very much, just like I love Wes. And I love "my friend", and he loves me. But not in that way. Not that way.
And yes, I am attracted to my friend, but not enough to hurt my marriage. And he feels the same. We make each other feel better about who we are, and we share things that other people don't get. I'm glad I saved my friendship.
I told Wes these things with absolute honesty. But, I never said my friend's name. I said "this person" and "this friend, my friend". And he just nodded, and said he was glad I told him. He said that he trusted me. And then, he said something with completely genuine sentiment that made me cry with relief.
"So, you didn't have to give the CD back, or anything?"
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