Masterminx

No, we're not playing Wheel of Fortune.

This morning, as I was getting ready for work, I pulled a pair of jeans down from the closet shelf to get a better look at them.  At first glance, they appeared to be nearly-new.  Once I had them in my hands, I understood why.  They were big enough for me to pull on over the clothes I was wearing, and I'd still be pressed to keep them up.  These were the long-forgotten 'before' jeans.

I put them back on the shelf.  It's good to be reminded that, even though I'm not in a good place with myself, I've come pretty far.  We can't all be born in the 'after' position.  Some of us have to start as 'befores'.  Unfortunately, I was an 'after' but I didn't realize it until it was too late.  I thought about that as I drove to work.  I never realized how good I had it; the little mass of boys who liked me and chattered about me when I passed them.  I had my days...

I am beginning to think that it may be better to delude myself into believing that every little dream I have will come true, eventually--as opposed to knowing that I have dreams that will never come true.  When you live every day, knowing full well that you will never have the things you want most, those misty collections of electrical impulses in your daydreaming brain become very, very heavy.  Especially in the chest area.  So, why do that to yourself?  Fuckit.

I'll tell myself that I can have that career, or that home, or that car...whatever.  If I work hard, and remain honest, I can lie to myself and tell myself that someday, if I'm good, I'll have those things that I really want.  If I don't get them before I turn to dirt, I can always tell myself that they were coming, but I didn't live long enough to get them.  I can die with hope in my heart rather than the crushing pain of knowing that my dreams amounted to nothing.

Christ, I wish I could be that happily deluded fool.  I wish I could be that Pollyanna who utters the mantra, "All is not lost!  All is not lost!"  That just isn't me.  There are two people on this miserable planet that I could never lie to, and I am one of them.

I catch myself wondering what I'm supposed to do with my life, and I stop.  There is no life; there is only now.  What I am supposed to do is get through this minute.  When I've accomplished that, another will come along for me to survive.  This is life, and that is how life happens.  The trick is appreciating the fact that while you are constantly seeking to reach that moment of 'after', you are continuously becoming a 'before'.